I’m sitting on the couch with one of my besties when her phone pings. She picks it up and immediately goes, “Oh God. He made me a playlist.”
E has this thing where the people she dates tend to imprint on her.
But this guy — we’ll call him the Music Man — had gone above and beyond. As she scrolled down, E told me, “He’s sent me a playlist of songs and they all relate to my name. There are 38.”
He’d also sent her several texts longer than the blog post you’re reading now. After one date.
She turns to me. “What do I even say to this guy? How do you break up with someone in a text without being a jerk? Is there a nice way to say “You’re great but I never want to see you again?”
I smile back.
“Hand me the phone. I’ve got a template.”
Words are my thing. Texts to tweets, books to blog posts, I write them.
Which has given me the strange party trick of being really, really good at text-breaking up with people in a way that closes the door for good, but lets everybody walk away with their dignity intact.
I have a template that I use, I’ve sent to clients, and E now swears by.
I call it We’ll Always Have Paris … But We’re Not Having Another Date.
Here it is. I’ll start with the template in full, and then I’ll break it down for you with examples:
“Hey [their name], thanks so much for [whatever the date was], I really appreciate it/had a great time.
Here’s the deal: while I have absolutely loved [XYZ specific thing you liked about hanging out with them / thing that you both did], I have to be honest — the chemistry just hasn’t developed like I thought it would by now [OR if you had a hot make-out session: I’m just not feeling like this is moving in a direction that works for both of us].
Chalk it up to two great people that just didn’t have romance [ / long term romance] in the cards. I’ll always remember / be grateful for [thing you did together/that they said which made you feel good] and I truly wish you all the best in finding your next partner in crime [/specific kind of partner they said they were looking for].”
Pretty damn good, right?
Let’s break it down and give you some examples:
– Hey [their name], thanks so much for [whatever the date was], I really appreciate it/had a great time.
Eg, Hey Al, thanks so much for inviting me to go bowling last night, I had a great time.
Because: manners.
Here’s the deal: while I absolutely loved [XYZ specific thing you liked about hanging out with them / thing that you both did],
Eg, Here’s the deal: while you have an amazing sense of humor / great stories / a really interesting take on which way round toilet paper should rest,
Eg, Here’s the deal: while I absolutely loved our food truck adventure last night,
This is the first piece of bread in your compliment sandwich — this will help them walk away with their dignity. The level of detail here is what de-jerks this dumping, because it shows you’ve engaged them as a human.
I have to be honest — the chemistry just hasn’t developed like I thought it would by now [OR if you had a hot make-out session: I’m just not feeling like this is moving in a direction that works for both of us].
This is the bad news part. It is delivered in a way that they can’t argue with (hence if-you-DID-have-a-hot-make-out option) and it cuts of any counter-arguments or mansplaining. It takes any interpretation out of it, and makes it a statement of FACT. Also, it’s FOREVAAAA.
Chalk it up to two great people that just didn’t have romance [ / long term romance] in the cards.
This cements the ‘done’-ness even further AND it takes the blame away from either party (“It’s not that YOU’RE not great — the stars just didn’t align for us!”)
I’ll always remember / be grateful for [thing you did together/that they said which made you feel good]
Eg I’ll always remember how much we laughed at that funny dog
Eg I’ll always be grateful for the advice you gave me on kite etiquette
The main reason break-up texts suck is because they often feel like the person is saying, “You were nothing to me, you were just another date.” Putting in this level of detail shows them that, even on a small level, they mattered as a human. This is the final slice of dignity-saving bread in your compliment sandwich.
and I truly wish you all the best in finding your next partner in crime [/specific kind of partner they said they were looking for].
Eg and I truly wish you all the best in finding that perfect Ultimate Frisbee partner.
Eg and I truly wish you all the best in finding the perfect cat-mom for Snuggles.
This leaves them feeling good. You’re saying, “I KNOW you’re going to find somebody else, because you’re worth that.”
And — most importantly — it ends the conversation on the tone of “We are both ok with this, amirite?.” Dignity, people. DIGNITY.
So consider this my post-Valentine’s day present to you: a way to break up with somebody via text, minus the drama.
If you’d like a copy of this emailed to you as a PDF, click here and I’ll ship one over.
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